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| I have not posted in a very long time so bear with me. Everything is going as it should be. My current chemotherapy treatment seems to be doing its job. My lab work is all good, now I have to wait a few months before a CT scan will show if it is actually reducing the tumors. But it is keeping me somewhat healthy at the moment. I do have side effects from the chemo. I take it every other week for a week. It takes a lot out of me. I feel really run down and sick. Like I have been hit by a train. My muscles ache and my head feels all funny. I experience something new every week that I am on the medicine. This week it is low blood pressure when I stand up. I feel light headed all the time and it is miserable. Yesterday was a bad day. I even called the doctor I was feeling so bad. I am tired of being sick. It makes me angry and scared. I am angry that God has allowed me to have cancer. I even hate the word cancer. I am scared, because I don't know what is going to happen from day to day. How I will feel and how the chemicals will react to my body. As long as my blood work says I am stable, then I am ok, but when I feel bad, I get a little more anxious and afraid. I spend a lot of time thinking that I should just die. That I wish it would be over with. I fear the new day. What it will bring and how I will feel. I don't want to kill myself, but I think it would help things along sometimes. I know that is just the depression talking, so I try to move through those thoughts to better thoughts. I am not in a severe depression as I used to be in. It is a light depression. A situational depression. I don't really know who I am mad at. I am mad at those who are not suffering like I am. I am mad at God for allowing this to happen. I even got angry at my therapist, even though I did not tell her that I was angry at her. I will tell her tough. I am angry at those who have it easy. who don't have to struggle in life. I am angry at my self when I wallow in self pity. I am stronger than that. I can get through things. it just seems that when I am finally feeling good, then BAM I have a bad day or days. It is just difficult to feel sometimes. I want to push it all away. But that doesn't do me any good, it just makes it worse when it all comes back. I read my friend amanda's posts and I envy her faith. I can;t seem to find God like she does. I don't feel close to God right now. It is hard when you blame Him for what you are going through. Well, That is enough for now. God Bless | | |
| I don't know if I am going to blog here much anymore. I just haven't felt like blogging in a long time. A lot has been going on. It seems that I was getting bad news left and right a few months ago. The cancer has spread to my kidney and now it is in my chest. The nodules in my chest are not that big so they are not my primary worry right now. It is the growing tumor on my left kidney that is the worry right now. It is growing pretty fast so we are trying a different treatment to see if we can get it to stop growing. They did an embolization on it to try to block its blood supply, and they are treating me with a cancer drug called Avastin. It is supposed to kill off new blood supplies to the tumors. I am tolerating the drug fairly well. It has elevated my blood pressure a bit and gives me diareaha (sp?). But that is not the worst of possible side effects so I am not complaining. I haven't been feeling to great. I think depression has set in. I am dealing a lot with depression symptoms anyway that have gotten bad. I deal with self harm thoughts on a regular basis, and suicidal thought come and go. The main thing is my wanting to die from the cancer. I just want it to be over with. If I am going to die anyway from this cancer it may as well be soon and by my own hand. But I am not going to kill myself. I am too afraid to die. I don't really want to die. It is just the depression talking. In fact, I am so scared to die that it almost paralyses me. I get so tense inside when I think about it. And I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Since I was told by the doctor that they can't cure me they can just give me a good quality of life until it grows so much that it kills me. What kind of deal is that?? This is not what I signed up for in life. This is not how I want to be living. I know I now have to make the most of life, but I did not sign up for this. I don't want this to be happening to me. What can I do to stop this?? Nothing. I just have to let the events of life play out and just go with the flow. It is hard for me because I have no control over things anymore. I need control but things seem so out of control that i can't handle it. Thus the self-harm thoughts. A lot of my self harm is because I don;t have control and the self harm is my way of taking back control. well that is enough for now...... | | |
| I think I woke up with allergies today. My eyes have been itchy and watery all day and now they are itchy and dry. Who knows. I have been feeling really good the past few days mood wise. The weather has made a big difference. It has been so nice out that I want to be outside all the time. It has made me a little manic too, so I have to watch out for that. I have been wanting to get out and spend money that I don't have. Which has gotten me in trouble before, say, around Christmas time. I blew my budget and suffered for most of the month without anything in the bank. But I have not done that this month. I have been pretty good. Except tonight I took my Mom out to eat at the Sirloin and it cost 20 bucks. But that is ok. It has been a week since I have heard anything new about the clinical trial. I am supposed to call my doctor in another week if I don't hear anything. I am getting nervous about qualifying for the trial. I think my diabetes will influence the decision. I pray that it doesn't though. I must keep a positive attitude though or I may just get too nervous. That is why I am loving these beautiful days. Something to keep my spirits up when I don't really feel good physically. | | |
| I went to the doctor on Tuesday. She didn't tell me much of what I didn't already know. The clinical trial hasn't started yet and she asked if I was willing to wait the few weeks until it did. I said I would wait. There were not many other options except to wait. She could not tell me too much about the trial. I guess she couldn't until I was being tested to see if I qualify. Yes, I have to go through some testing to see if I do in fact qualify for the trial. She couldn't tell me if it was going to be a pill or through iv. She just couldn't tell me much. She did tell me that she thinks it is a lymph node on my kidney that has the tumor and not the kidney itself. So that is good news and bad news. It is good that the kidney itself is not involved but it is bad that the cancer is in my lymph system. So we will see what transpires from here. I have been feeling pretty upbeat the past two weeks. Better than the one before that. The beautiful weather has a lot to do with my mood too. It got up into the 60s today and I got to spend some time outside with my mom. We played Mexican Train dominoes. I got to play spades today too and my partner and I won both games so that made my mood a little better also. | | |
| I got the results of my CT scan today. Two of the tumors in my body have grown. One on my left kidney and one of the many in my liver. I am saddened by this news but expected it. The doctor wants to put me in a clinical trial. I am not sure about it but if my doctor thinks it is right I will try the new medicine. I just hate the emotional rollercoaster that I have to go through each time I have a scan. I hate the emotional rollercoaster of cancer itself. | | |
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